Friday, September 09, 2005

Lift Karaadey!!

I hate the algorithm for the lift in our office complex. It is the most stupid thing. Whoever designed should be kicked out of the business of transporting people -- think what s/he would do with our already brilliant trains!! You can wait for your train on Platform 6 while it arrives on Platform 3 which is located before Platform 1. And to make your day creamy, the train doesn't stop at Platform 3, 1, 6 or for the matter at any place you like or expect. I suppose that is why they have a complete concrete contraption to stop the train at the destination!! Oh! well, it would stop at the smelliest of canals, though, button pressed or not!! But I divert, our elevators are simply the most stupidly designed tin boxes. I shall list my pain points systematically (trust a freaked out commuter to be systematic):

1. Shut up: I hate that woman's voice which goes on announcing the floor where the lift stops or fails to! She is so annoying. She wouldn't even shut up if I told her "Yeah, yeah! I know. We are now on the 5th floor!". She just goes on "This is the 5th floor." And she never gets a sore throat too!! We really do not have the choice of what we want to hear. Wherever we go, we are forced to listen to things, even in a tin box and then they look at me with wide eyes when I say I have voices in my head!!

2. Button up: The .... what do you call them? ... keys? buttons? Well, those slightly depressing (physically and not psychologically!! Guys, get over being the understanding humans!) circular metal discs (which disc isn't circular, goofy!?) that we shall call buttons are stupid. You can't press more than 3 of them. Well you can press all of them if you are looney enough after your performance appraisal day, but don't... not here, in the hell of failed elevators. Press more than 3 buttons and they all glow yellow (yuck, yellow. Sick button with an excess bile secretion!!) and as soon as the elevator moves an inch, they all turn off. So where are we going, guys??!! Heaven knows!! Actually I am glad that they have a roof to this building, else, heaven will know.

3. Damn! Button up: The buttons on the wall (beside the elevator and not the cute red ones near the axe and fire hose!!) are equally crazy. You can press them with all your might and you can still watch those dreary metal doors close on the guys inside. Absolute no consideration. What do they want me to do? Tickle those doors into opening up? Geez! Well, I even tried that! :-D Doesn't work. If you have long nails you could get them trapped and then you would only be able to count as multiples of 9 or 8. The bright side is bit manipulation in C is no longer a mystery for you (ensure you lose only 2 fingers!). There is always bright side to the silliest things in the world. All those bright sides make the dullest dodecahedron!

4. Stop, Stop! I, not you go up: Whatever. I had to get something with an up because that the closest I get to feeling upbeat about this damned contraption!! The tin cube doesn't stop. Stupid box rattles past my floor in either direction. I even tried hiding behind a well built woman from my floor but the damn lift still seems to know its me! Newspapers and plants don't help. While we are on that subject, do not hide behind plants which are nose high. Dumb beetles consider your nose to be the natural point of progression!! Blowing them away doesn't help, because they sway back, and now more passionately to your lips!! Chomp, chomp... weyuck!!
If I am on the 4th floor and want to go down, the idle chamber on the 5th floor wouldn't budge (yeah, yeah, its been a tough day for that box!!) but the one which is in the basement (-1 level) decides to save your trouble of walking down 5 flights of stairs. And then, no... it decides to go to the 7th floor and gets itself loaded. It starts descending and you console yourself "Come on, it had to go pick up those guys first. They must have been waiting long." But by Jove!! the tin box passes you by. Why? Maybe some genius pressed too many buttons and the poor tin box got confused and decided to let gravity decide. Or a few well fed specimens of our specie decided to pile into the tin box and it decided to not have any more of people!! BTW, that is digital embarrassment. You could feel happy that morn that you have lost 2.78 kilos and then you try to get into a well packed sardine case which moves around vertically, and a digital voice goes off with an irritating beep "Please step out! Maximum capacity has exceeded" Trust those stupid pot bellied software engineers to paste a smug grin on their bitmap faces with the unsaid words "Its you, the voice called heavy, not us!! We are basically Helium balloons."
The algo is simply outrageously stupid. If I am going down, it makes sense to get an elevator from a floor above (easier, less power consumption, well, we are traveling in the same direction, goof ball!!) than get a box from the underworld! But no, a master lift-God decides to get one that is resting in the nether world and then ... maybe not.... lets get you that one which is scratching its back against the roof.... and then again, maybe it won't match your shirt.... so let's open the doors of the one which is standing idle on your floor!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggghh!!

5 Fed up: People have to eat in the elevators and leave evidence of a fine meal. What's it like?
"See? I had low fat milk coffee. Here are a few drops to make you feel bad that you didn't get any."
"Well, I don't drink coffee."
"Sour grapes"
"Yeah, I noticed them on that corner of the lift."

Basically I have had enough of them. But till I get to buy backpack rockets, I think I will have to stick to them. Stairs? :-O You're kidding right?


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  2. hiding behind a well built woman??hello, has anybody here seen eroteme in person?
    The lift actually called you fat!!! ROFL
    BTW hilarious read ;)

  3. Ha! Ha! That had me in the splits. Now just imagine what would happen if we had elevators that could see into the future like in the Hitchhiker's guide or worser still the existential elevator that Zaphod negotiates with!!! :))

  4. And yes, you have been tagged!! :)

  5. Dear A,

    Dear W,
    Not fair! You are taking undue advantage of uncommon knowledge!! ;-)

    Dear A,
    You don't want to go there, do you? :-O
    Thanks for tagging me! The list looks really long. I need more than a few days to respond to that... :-)

  6. lol!!! I guess every techie has loads to talk abt elavators. Good post! :-)

    >> decided to let gravity decide

    lol! :-)

  7. Take your time buddy...I wouldn't mind going to existential elevators as long as I have a crazy guy like Zaphod or Ford Prefect around!! ;) BTW, the first A is a spamming bot. It might help for you to turn on word verification to make sure you don't get such unwanted comments on your BLOG!!

  8. Hey J,
    Merci :-)

    Hey A,
    I gathered that. I had gotten many earlier and used to religiously delete them. Now I am simply letting them stay and awarding them with a reply! The ones I had to delete were really obscene!! The word verification is a little painful. Would I want to fill in words at someone's blog? Not really... So I abstained from activating it!

  9. :))..
    -- She wouldn't even shut up if I told her "Yeah, yeah! I know. We are now on the 5th floor!". --
    :))..Poor you!!! I know you are a little nutty but I didn't know you spoke to this woman also!!!
    --Someone is frustrated, isn't it? Well, you could climb up and down; it atleast is a good exercise!

  10. Dear A,
    I would speak to the rear bumper of a broken down Fiat if I had to get her to shut up.
    Why should I exercise? :-O I was telling someone recently... who was it... dun't remember! I was telling him/her that healthy people die for no reason!! :-D