But his father was no more and his mother was too old to hug him like she did on that sultry morning when he was six and still in knickers while she had had her bath and wasn't supposed to touch anyone. She had brushed back his hair with a loving hand, before she went to have her bath again. He had lost most of that hair and she had lost most of that courage to display affection openly. Now he had his wife and son to hug, although his wife didn't and his son wasn't around.
And confusing days are surprisingly bright in a diabolic attempt to make you lose your guard and expect a wonderfully pleasant day. But he was wise by instinct and of years. He woke up and headed for the prayer room and bowed his silent 30 second reverence before he went about preparing for the day's activities. I remember once asking my mother: "Amma, why doesn't mama say as many prayers as we do? He seems to complete it all in 2 minutes but it takes me a shifty-legged 10 minutes to complete it all" She replied:"Its not how long you stand before the lord but how sincere you are." She still insisted that I say all my prayers for the gods might excuse her brother who, she hoped, was as loved by them as she loved him.
He came over to me and said: "You need to take care of a lot of things today." I was suddenly red with excited blood running to my head and all ready to run around even if there wasn't work. It was an honour to serve him. I never thought he would ask me. He picked me. I was smiling through most of the hodiernal work without regard to the heat and sweat that ran down between one curved lip and another.
And then I watched him go through the rituals like he had walked through most of life; with sincerity, attention and complete dedication. As I watched him live his life again for the next 3 hours I let my ears pick odd conversations which went from one tilted grey-haired person to another.
"Were it not for Kanna then it would have been so difficult to manage my children's education."
"Is the sweet dish ready? Kanna would like it hot."
"Why are those leaves dangling like that? E, come here. Go straighten those leaves. What will mama think of your work?"
"He could have conducted this in a big hall with hundreds of people coming in. But..."
"He doesn't cut down on any of the formal expenditures. Even now. God alone bless him and take care of him."
"Well, it seems that only god has been taking care of him."
"You like this chain. 22 carat. Haan, it was A~ choice. She and Kanna had gone to pick it up for my birthday."
"He has grown thin, no? I wish I could do something for him. But he won't accept anything from anyone. He still lives by the old code."
"Kanna and me were close once. Then I got married and he got married and... Everyone has to take of their own family."
In the midst of all this, mama would call me and give me some instructions which I enjoyed doing. He performed the sacrificial rites without a smile and I hoped no one noticed it.
"Mama, smile! One snap, mama. Please."
and that smile would carry the weight of 60 years on either ear which had stood recipient to praises, accolades, pleadings, accusations, death chants, birth cries of grandchildren of his siblings and a lot more.
As he was completing his sacrificial rites, I went to sit at my grandmother's feet. She placed a hand on my shoulder and I held it lightly. I turned to look up at her, but she was looking at her son with the same love she had once held him on that sultry morning. And in that gaze she hoped to take it all away from him and into herself. Her son didn't deserve what he had been through. None of her children did, but definitely not her son. And she watched him while each tear bore a tale:
An angry boy in torn knickers
A boy afraid of his father
A short tempered teenager
A loving brother.
A boy who climbed to myriad temples praying for this child to be a boy so that he could play with him.
A boy who loved to take care of his sisters and laid down rules for them.
A boy playing in dust while watching boys his age ride a cycle. Should he ask his parents? No, there were other things to be bought.
A boy diligent in his studies. He had to get his sisters married off.
An admission into IIT Madras.
Sideburns flanking a serious boy-man face.
How he held back his tears when his younger sister got married
How he helped ease out troubles in the married homes of his younger sisters
How he waited till he was sure that he could afford to get married
How he prospered
How he shared his prosperity with all
How he gave his wife everything
How he gave everyone nearly everything
How he prayed for a child
How he thanked the gods for the son they gave him
How he spun dreams into the soft downy blanket he draped over his son's chest
How he took care of his ailing sister
How he took care of his dear brother
How he heard jealous remarks but never flinched nor stopped helping those vile tongues
How he loved life
How he took everyone into the life he loved
Those toys and chocolates he bought everyone. Save some money Kanna! What use amma? Look at them. See how happy they are?
How he rose and then...
How he took care of his ailing father.
How he never let his father apologise for anything and let him die with his head held high. At least to others...
How he never fought with anyone, not even his wife and child
How he made sure his son got the foreign education he so sought
How he bore the brunt of time and misfortune but always greeted everyone with a genuine smile.
How he forgot to smile
How he forgot to love life
How he stoops under the telling of time
How he still holds on to the basic tenets of a good man
How his trembling hands perform the sacrifice earnestly
How I wish I could hug him like I did in the kitchen that day...
Amma, today is my birthday, amma.
Kanna, may you live like a king that you are to me and to all who know you truly. May you find peace. May you find joy. May the gods stop torturing you. May you get your smile back. May you find that bounce in your step. Kanna, may you be my son again. In this life and in every life of mine.
Her grip tightened around my shoulders and I turned to look at my uncle. He poured the last offering into the sacrificial fire and he seemed to ask: What am I celebrating?
I hope the fires replied thus:
Hear perfect man, you shall celebrate the lives you have touched and infinite be they although only a few gather around you today to be a part of your life as they have always been and to make you a part of their life as you have always been. Hear son, you shall celebrate the joy of giving without plot and design. Hear dear son, you shall celebrate the joy of instilling happiness in many lives although they forget in the midst of their reveling. Hear dearest of sons, celebrate the joy of having so many eyes turn toward you although I burn brighter.
E,
ReplyDeleteVery beautiful work. Both the picture and the writing. Very touching.
Cabbage
E,
ReplyDeleteVery Very good post. It was a perfect example of how ones life should be. This is the answer to your question "What good is anyone doing, anyway? No seriously, go into that question patiently. We love to believe that we are making an enormous difference to the world. You live, you die and then you are forgotten (unless you did something so different that people want to remember you for it, for some time). But how does it matter?"
Dont you think so.
I have immense respect for humility and composure in elderly people and it is a pleasure to watch them and learn from them. Your writing conveys an impression of 'mama' being one of that kind.
ReplyDelete"Hear dearest of sons, celebrate the joy of having so many eyes turn toward you although I burn brighter." This line beautifully sums it up all.Nice work.
U
One day I will tell you how this post changed my thinking
ReplyDeleteIt is unfortunate when one's comp doesn't have backup power and the power waits till you finish writing out a long comment before going off!! :-(
ReplyDeleteDear Cabbage,
Thanks. Glad you liked it.
Dear GI,
Thank you. I am not sure whether it still answers my questions. For those who are unaware of the source/context of the quote, please refer to the post on GI's blog, called Trainspotting. GI, this is merely his "choice", a choice to live like this. I wouldn't say "It was a perfect example of how ones life should be" for what is true for one is not necessarily true for another person. If his life was not lead naturally, then it is strife throughout, and then how does it matter whether you are impressed with it or not as long as it has been strife for him? If it has been comfortable and instinctive then I would agree that he has lead his life in the best way for him.
Point is he is not making any difference to the world, neither am I nor are you. The world doesn't require any of us to have a difference made. I believe we aren't designed to make a sweeping change or even a dent on the surface of this world (well, if you invented the time machine then...), but I am not referring to technological changes. They will happen and continue to happen. The context of the comment I made on your blog was pertaining to psychological difference that a person can make and that, I believe can never happen. We might be clear ourselves, but cannot influence another person or be responsible for the clarity of another person. If another person attains clarity and peace, it would not be because he hung around you (who I assume has attained clarity!).
Have you read On the road? If you liked Trainspotting I am sure you will love this book (if you are into reading books, that is). This book is rumoured to have sent thousands of teenagers onto the road to flirt with drugs, women and a "wasteful" life. All those kids who read/watched/heard this story hit the roads with a cigarette in their mouth and dreams in their eyes. No, don't brush it aside as "America". People always wanted to be like that but they never could put it down clearly or gain social sanction to it. What I am telling you is that none of those kids made a difference, but many of them were happier than those who thought they made a difference to this world. Its all about what comes naturally to you... And what comes naturally is not designed to make a difference to anyone including yourself. Once you start thinking in terms of "What should I do to make a difference, to do good to this world?" you are into this little deceptive game of strife where you are pulled between what is designed to be your "system" and what you desire to be your system... Phew... :-)
Dear Anon-U,
I tried hard to figure out who you/U might be... :-( Thank you. I am glad that this is to your taste.
Dear Anon,
And who might you be? I look forward to that day... Changed your thinking? Really? Or did it merely give you a clearer picture to what already existed?
Excellent piece. 'He had lost most of that hair and she had lost most of that courage to display affection openly.' - fantastic line.
ReplyDeleteEroteme,
ReplyDeleteHope the comp didn’t die on you after you typed this big response.
“What I am telling you is that none of those kids made a difference, but many of them were happier than those who thought they made a difference to this world.”
How would you substantiate this statement? How do you know that these kids were not hurt inside? How do you know that all these habits were triggered by a book? Book was just a reason. How do you prove that the parents of these kids made a right choice to make the kids feel wanted, feel loved and help them cope up with the society? How do you prove that they did not become addicts because they could not fit in? How do you prove that it was not attention that they were all craving for?
If you think a book can influence an individual to get an addiction, I believe that a good book can force goodness into the same individual.
“It is all about what comes naturally to you... And what comes naturally is not designed to make a difference to anyone including you”
Swimming comes naturally to fish, flying to birds, thinking to humans……these are things that comes naturally…everything else is adapted from the surroundings to fit the surroundings…I am a vegetarian because my parents are and I was brought up in this fashion…..But I have friends who eat meat because that was the way they were raised…. I believe in God because I was born into a God fearing family and I built my faith on this ……I have all the freedom in this world…I can do drugs….I have enough issues to do drugs, but I don’t…I was thought how to cope up with these issues……
Nothing comes naturally….,,,it’s the way one molds his/her psyche…So it is better to mold ones mind in a right way so his/her future generations will follow it…..and world becomes better….Re-iterating cabbage’s “Butterfly Effect”….
E,
ReplyDeleteFor some reason when I posted the comment they came out with funky symbols all over. I promise that I was not swearing between those symbols:):):.Let me try posting it again....
Hope the comp didn’t die on you after you typed this big response.
“What I am telling you is that none of those kids made a difference, but many of them were happier than those who thought they made a difference to this world.”
How would you substantiate this statement? How do you know that these kids were not hurt inside? How do you know that all these habits were triggered by a book? Book was just a reason. How do you prove that the parents of these kids made a right choice to make the kids feel wanted, feel loved and help them cope up with the society? How do you prove that they did not become addicts because they could not fit in? How do you prove that it was not attention that they were all craving for?
If you think a book can influence an individual to get an addiction, I believe that a good book can force goodness into the same individual.
“It is all about what comes naturally to you... And what comes naturally is not designed to make a difference to anyone including you”
Swimming comes naturally to fish, flying to birds, thinking to humans……these are things that comes naturally…everything else is adapted from the surroundings to fit the surroundings…I am a vegetarian because my parents are and I was brought up in this fashion…..But I have friends who eat meat because that was the way they were raised…. I believe in God because I was born into a God fearing family and I built my faith on this ……I have all the freedom in this world…I can do drugs….I have enough issues to do drugs, but I don’t…I was thought how to cope up with these issues……
Nothing comes naturally….,,,it’s the way one molds his/her psyche…So it is better to mold ones mind in a right way so his/her future generations will follow it…..and world becomes better….Re-iterating cabbage’s “Butterfly Effect”….
:(:( Not Working.....Now I am swearing...
ReplyDeleteMy dad will be 60 next year but somehow he doesn't seem so old.
ReplyDeleteDear GI,
ReplyDeleteIt looks sad on IE but on Netscape/Opera it looks fine. :-) Maybe you should type your comment in Notepad (rather than Word) and then copy-paste it. Surprising that Word and IE don't work together! :-o
Regarding the many points you raise, they are all valid but I am unable to place my point in the space of a comment. Maybe we could take it offline. I do not know that the kids were happy, but if your heart pulls you towards something there is a high chance that you would be happy doing it.
"How do you prove that it was not attention that they were all craving for?"
You can't run away to the road and travel the length of the country for attention. You stay at home and rebel and throw tantrums for attention. If you want attention you need to let people know that you want it; you can't go out where no one knows you and demand attention. Mind you the parents had no clue where the kids were and in America kids are fairly independant and don't depend on their parents till 25 or so! Most importantly I had said "This book is rumoured to have sent..." Its like saying Rajni pushed many people to smoking beedis (which can't be refuted entirely).
"I believe that a good book can force goodness into the same individual." Of course. Human beings are crazy enough to follow books. We have the Bible, the Gita, Chicken Soup, the Kamasutra, etc.
And we love to follow people too.
"thinking to humans" precisely my point. How many people do it? You join engineering because your parents want you to or your peers are doing that. You take to foul mouthing because it is hip and happening. Guys in hostels drink beer because their parents are far away or for the sole purpose of staying with the "in-group". We take up the most high paying job because that is our sense of worth. Go slowly with me. If you were naturally disposed towards being mediocre then that is fine. If you are inclined towards street plays but join a software concern because there is no money, status or repute in the other, then are you thinking? You live in a saintly manner although you are constantly wishing the worst for others and conjuring vile images, then is that thinking? More than thinking, I suppose it is understanding that is human ability which we'd rather not resort to. Your being a vegetarian does nothing to anyone. Please realise that. You aren't preserving the endangered chicken specie!
"I believe in God because I was born into a God fearing family and I built my faith on this"
I suppose you mean that you follow the practice of believing in god because you were born into a god fearing family. You cannot be a believer unless you feel it deep down. You can be a follower, though. And there is nothing wrong or menial in that.
"I can do drugs….I have enough issues to do drugs, but I don’t…I was thought how to cope up with these issues……"
I am sorry, I have no clue what you are trying to say here. If you had chosen drugs it should have been a well thought out decision, else you are merely escaping from something. If you had chosen drugs, thus, then it is also a choice as much as not choosing drugs. Doesn't make you a saint for that. Doesn't make a difference to the world either. There are a billion heads which have chosen not to take drugs; what difference have they made. The son of a smoker chooses not to smoke; neither of them made a difference.
"So it is better to mold ones mind in a right way so his/her future generations will follow it"
Really? Then why is it that a generation which "molded" itself to respect their parents wishes and get married accordingly is not being followed (on the grounds of absence of logic)? Why is a whole generation of song writers who wrote beautiful well meant lyrics being succeeded by lyricists who write for the "kick of it"? Why is a generation of workers who were loyal to a company and stuck to it being followed by a generation which feels that sticking to a company for more than 2-3 years is not wise? Core values have changed. Core beliefs have changed. Core practices have changed.
Let me try and make it clearer: It is vital to help the young ones in seeking and gaining clarity. Thereafter it is upto them what they choose. Your choices and your practices are yours. I might find a hundred people emulating them, but that should not be the reason for forming those practices in the first place. It is clarity at the core which matters. If that exists, any choice is a natural extension of one's predisposition.
And I said I should take it offline... :-( When will I learn?
Dear Wookie,
There is age of years and there is age of effort. The years age everyone nearly the same; effort (strife+conflict+stress+work+family etc.) does it differently. I wish your father stays this way for a long time to come. :-)