Thursday, December 07, 2006

A Guy Thing - 1

"And when the girl you loved walks away, what do you, Oh! mighty E?". My girl-friend (which is different from girlfriend) S never hesitated to get sharp with her words, and that is why she is still my friend!
"Well, I watch her walk away!", I said.
"See? That is why you'll go nowhere.", said S.
"But what can I do? My girl would surely be a sensible woman, and if she has decided to walk away, I can't do anything but watch her walk away."
"Hai, kya kamar!" (Oh! What hips!), said my pal K who was the only one who could get S more irritated than I'd ever manage to.
So this is what we were doing on a lazy Sunday afternoon. A few of us had gotten together at K's place. We counted S and R amongst the ladies, K, A and myself amongst the guys and we were always undecided about H.
"Shut up! K. This is serious." said S.
"Oye! Kamars are not serious?", he asked and quickly dodged the sauce pouch that was hurled at him.
R was always concerned and unlike S, didn't care to make a point unless she really cared about it. We've known each other for several years now and I have always been unable to answer so many questions about why R and I aren't going around steady. Neither of us felt that way and neither of us felt stupid enough to keep away from each other fearing more questions.
"See, E. You can't keep living in your world of fiction and poems. Life is real. If you find a girl whom you like... love (that took a while to come out), then you should go ahead and marry her.", said R.
"Marriage is so important, da." chirped H.
"You know, R is right. I think you have lived too long in your head and in your world of romantic heads of poets and writers. You aren't going to get yourself a woman like what you think. You'll only get a woman like what you feel", said A.
"What poets? What fiction? When did I ever quote a single line from any of them?" asked I, quite exasperated at this repeated innuendoes to my world created by myself.
"Percy Biscuit Shelly, Jane Iyer, Trueman Kaput, Lady and the Sanyasi..." K was counting on his fingers.
"Take Pico Iyer. That is what will become of you." said S.
"What? Famous and well travelled?" I asked.
"No, enjoying Cuban girls and finally settling down with a Japanese kudi and her kids. Oye! Balle Balle!" K was dancing around with the beer bottle in his hand. He hadn't had a sip and was already on a high.
"Guys, I don't know what has infected all of you. Marrying is not timepass. Why should I marry unless I find the right woman for me?"
"Oye! You are not getting married, biraathar. So, let's drink to that."
"What do you mean "right woman"? asked R.
"Yeah! There is not a single girl in the thousands you have known who matches your "criteria"?" asked S, drawing quotes in the air around criteria.
"Hmmm. Nope."
R smiled and S caught it just before she shot a, "Not even R?"
"Guys, let's not get personal. R is wonderful and we'll be this way till an unprecedented incident occurs."
"Saala! you sound like the weather forecast guy on CNN."
"Did anyone come close?" asked A.
"A few did, but for some strange reason I thought they would be better off with someone else."
"Good! You should become a marriage broker. What software waftware? This is more soft-ware, yaar!"
"So you haven't met any girl like that, your mom hasn't been able to locate any girl like that, so what do you plan on doing?"
"Become gay!?" asked H.
"Saala, chance maar raha hai" (Bloke, trying his luck on you!) said K.
"Guys! Marriage is not the only thing I can do in the next 24 hours. I have a lot to read, write, talk, code, design, invent, see, relish..."
"Yaar, especially on Brigade Road. Lots to see."
"It's quite simple. I am in no hurry or desparate need. Ayegi to ayegi." (she'll come if she has to)
"Guys are just afraid of commitment."
K rushed to my side and plopped on the cushion next to mine... actually more on me than on the cushion.
"Oye! Guys shies - don't generalise!.... Boss, I just composed poetry. Man, E, you are powerful. Bless me. May I compose more and more poetry, to bore.... See!? Another one! Jai Eroteme Maharaj ki."
I couldn't help laugh, especially knowing that S was going to slap K pretty soon. Would you believe that they were once going around, and K called it off? I thought it would have been S, but I think love makes women quite tolerant.
"Its got nothing to do with commitment. Why simply commit, because its fashionable?"
"I agree", said H.
"Girls are like beer", and K and A clinked their bottles, "though that is a bad analogy for you, E. But most guys drink beer so girls are like beer to most guys. Let them fill you with the joy of living!!"
"I agree", said H.
"And then you go to the next bottle... or girl?" roared S. I was hoping this didn't get into a fight.
"I agree, that's bad."
"Oye! Sweetie, you will never understand. Beer stays the same always, so does the girl you truly love. Bottle is not the girl. Beer is."
"I agree."
I hardly get to hear K get "philosophical" so I managed to quote him as verbatim as possible.
"And what is your beer, E?" asked R.
"Plain water."
"Abhe, she didn't ask literally."
"I know. I didn't reply literally, either."
There was silence for a few minutes, while R read the meaning from my eyes. She smiled. I turned to the guys.
"A mate is a companion and someone with whom I'd like to have my dinner."
"No wonder you eat dinner all by yourself."
"Exactly, water fills any space, contains itself at any temperature and nourishes. It can be as calm as in a lake, or as full of life down a rapid. Water accomodates any colour that you mix in it or any taste. And the beauty of a fall or a fountain is usually unmatched."
"Complicated, yaar. Try it again in English."
"Simple, boss. If a woman can't be balanced, I would have no interest in her. Overly sentimental, overly ambitious... at the cost of balance, doesn't appeal to me. And I mean balanced in a different sense. A bit of everything in the right combination enough to love life in its fullness and not adhering to just one outlook. Got it?"
"Yeah, right. When did anyone ever understand you in the first 60 seconds of you explaining it?" asked S.
"Ok, here goes. Time me, H." H fumbled around to find a stop clock, before A smacked him on his head and handed his watch to him.
"Ok, start."
"A person needs to enjoy life in all its stages and take shape accordingly. A woman who cannot be as is the norm with elders, or who cannot be a child in the midst of children, wouldn't interest me. A woman who doesn't enjoy the arts and who cannot pull up numbers to cut a wicked chart or design, cannot appreciate the variety of the intellect and the spirit. A woman who cannot tango with all her senses and enjoy Chanel 5 and petrichor alike, curd rice and penne alla Eroteme alike, jazz and sparrows alike, sail canvas and a baby's bottom alike, wouldn't interest me. A woman who can't talk for hours about the recent shift in consumer demographics and about an evening through the mist in Ooty and just listen for an equal length when someone has something to say about the trip on the Nile, wouldn't interest me. A woman who can't laugh, giggle, pout and be serious when the room calls for it, wouldn't interest me. A woman who doesn't look beautiful when she wakes up, or just out of the bath, or in overalls, or in pattu-saree, wouldn't interest me. A woman who can't handle an American guest, a Japanese one, an Australian and my grandmother at the same table, wouldn't interest me. If she is not all this and cannot learn, she wouldn't interest me. Its plain water, not champagne that I look for. Done. Time?"
"58 seconds."
"But why should a woman like this be interested in you?" asked S, always ready to speak for the women!!
"I never said she would be; I am telling you what interests me."
"And of course, you haven't found such a woman?" asked R with a wide smile.
"Not really."
"Yaar, you are not getting married. Let's drink to it."
"I agree."


  1. Hey, am the first one to comment on this post! :D Really enjoyed reading this post. A nice casual post...a sigh of relief from the deep well-thought and composed posts. :)

    As some suggestion from a 'slightly more experienced person'(:P), I would ask E to not try and find a woman - it doesn't work that way. And yes, K sounds like a very interesting person. I think he stands a better chance of finding an excellent girl! :P

  2. Dear SCS,
    Since you are one of the few visitors who have been with for a long time, you should have guessed that this is pure fiction. It stemmed from 2 statements I heard over the span of 20 days or so: 1. Everyone should have a balanced diet and 2. Elevator sales pitch. Don't ask me how these two mapped to the story above... :-D
    Not to try and find a woman? Gosh! Coming from you, that's blasphemy!! :-D As I said, I have too many books to read and scrolls to fill. K is an interesting chap, isn't he? I think I'll keep him for one of my longer stories...
    And why do you hate my serious posts!? :-(

  3. balanced diet and elevators to this? wow! quite enjoyable!
    to me R sounds interesting, speaks only when she needs to and needs no words. my kind of person, I guess. :)

  4. I wouldn't mind getting to know K a little more,shame it was fiction but good fiction.

  5. Dear B,
    Yes, things are so funnily linked, aren't they! ;-) Yes, R does make an interesting friend and companion!! :-D

    Dear S,
    Everyone likes K!! :-(
    But then it is fiction, isn't it? So... ;-)
    I wouldn't know whether I would be entirely honest in calling my posts as fiction. They stem from something that happened or struck me in some distant (though not always) past. But, let's keep it simple. Fiction it is... :-D

  6. the minute he becomes reality i want an introduction :)

  7. I know it's fiction E, but what's the point in treating fiction as it were fiction? :P I don't hate your serious posts - this was just a refresher, like a simple rasam between courses of sambar, vathakozhambu, morkuzhambu, urulaikizangu varuval, thengaai thuvaiyal, paruppu aracha kari, etc! :P And see, my prediction about K has already become true! :D

    And yes I found my woman when I wasn't trying - she came to me all by herself. I merely said the magic words once she came to me! :)

  8. Parvati7:53 PM

    By virtue of what you are, every person on earth in whom you strike a chord will be drawn to you, as indeed you too would be drawn to them.
    This is true of/for every human being. So it is just a matter of such a person as you vividly describe actually meeting you in real life-she obviously already exists.. :-).

    Best wishes!

  9. Anonymous12:21 PM

    Just enjoyed this post very much.. mebbe am slightly diappointed that this is only fiction! but its still cool...BTW I find U to be more interesting than K...Ur expectations are quite high..LOL!!

  10. Dear S,
    You will get that! :-)

    Dear SCS,
    Yeah yeah yeah! :-D

    Dear P,
    I am sure she already exists, but the narrator doesn't seem to have met her!

    Dear Anon,
    Glad you liked it. Welcome to this blog.